Christmas is Cancelled: Chaos Christmas Number Ones

Thanks again to everyone who came out for our Budget Day Special Chaos Thaoghaire on Tuesday. We’ll get the stories up online next week, but we’re feeling festive and cantankerous, so here’s something to hold you over in the meantime.

If we put Odharnait Ansbro’s song up against the Rubberbandits’ Horse Outside, which I, like you, woke up singing, for Christmas Number One, the bar would permanently be raised, and there would be no more of this X-Factor shite, or worse, that gimmicky “Rage Against the Machine for Christmas Number One”, or worse, the sickeningly pretentious “John Cage’s 4’33 for Christmas Number One” carry-on. And in a hypothetical fight between Zack De La Rocha and our friend Paddy Cullivan (which we totally didn’t start, by the way), our money’s on Cullivan, who spent the 1990s and 2000s being significantly more lucid than the pretendy anarchist dopefiend. Plus, he rhymed “Lenihan” with “venison” and “Cornucopia” with “dystopia”. That’s gotta be good for something. Give the man a statuette!

But we didn’t get on it quickly enough, so, much like we will not be bested by the Academy and so awarded Nick Kelly our own CHAOScar for his Oscar-shortlisted movie, Shoe, we’ve got our own Chaos Christmas Number Ones chart. And because we refuse to choose between our equally talented friends, and because whatever you’ve got we want two of the same, we’ve got not one, but two Christmas number ones. You’re all our number one. And we asked two of our favourite number ones to write some tunes for this month’s Chaos, and they blew us away. As always.

Please enjoy Odharnait’s “A Bailout From the IMF” and Paddy’s “No Presents for Christmas” medley, which will form part of the score for a musical he’s been working on.

A Bailout From The IMF (The Adjusted Days of Christmas) by ittybittyhearingtrumpet

Christmas is Cancelled by ittybittyhearingtrumpet

And if you’re wondering how on earth the recordings could have come out so well, that’s thanks to genius, composer laureate, producer, and dear friend Colin “Candyass” Morris, without whom Chaos Thaoghaire would have no archive. Would be less fun. Would have no anthem. Sometimes I drop the goofy act for a second and realise just how lucky we are to have such talented, generous, brilliant friends, who would even give us the time of day, let alone what they actually do, and how incredibly grateful we are that they go to such lengths to be part of Chaos Thaoghaire because it’s fun. That’s the biggest thing of all, when someone makes an effort simply because it’s fun. We love you people.

Chaos Thaoghaire has evolved a bit in the last few months, and we’ve started looking for a broader range of creative content. After all, there’s more than one way to tell a story. So if you’ve been hesitant to contact us because you’re an animator or a filmmaker or a songwriter or a puppeteer and you think there’s no place for you, you’re wrong. And there’s nothing we like more than being right! And showing you how wrong you are!

And before you ask, those of you who were lame enough to miss this month’s Chaos, our next Chaos Thaoghaire is going to be in February, when we will bring back what is now an annual tradition: Sex Chaos. But it won’t just be a repeat of last year! For the hardships we’ll endure in 2011, we’re bringing you SEXY Sex Chaos, our Sexiest Sex Chaos yet! Just you wait! We’ll be looking for storytellers, filmmakers, songwriters, underpants-donors, prudes, anatomical models, anatomically correct dolls, anatomical corrections, and gentle correction. Want in? (Oh, matron!) Send an email to chaosdublin at gmail dot com, or drop @janeruffino an @reply or DM via twitter.

Posted by Jane.

Free Cheese! Tonight in the Grand Social!

I’m crying, writing this. I’m crying into whatever empty containers I have around the Chaos Crevasse because we heard a rumour on the internet that residential water is going to be shut off overnight. But that’s okay! Because we have plenty of tears for all of us, and we will offer them for free! More than plenty! Because when we need a reason to cry, we just think of something you did!

We can’t fail.

But here’s the thing. Now that you’re all gonna be renting my new crutches so you can get out during your lunch hour and fill your cup with coppers, now that we’re all (probably, we speculate) going to be paying water charges, and you’re all going to learn how to pay for everything in coupons like The Chaosettes do, we’re all going to have to do a lot more nicking. Sweets. Underpants (apparently among retailers’ most-nicked items). Booze (also regularly nicked). Magazines. Your face. In honour of our need for more nicking, and because yesterday was the patron day of St Nicholas, patron of finance ministers and other street cons, we thought we’d Nick-up our lineup with a couple of the best in town.

So we have Nick McGivney of The Emergency, ad man, all-around brilliant person and superdad telling a story he calls Chasing The Girl. And we also have one of our other favourite Nicks (also an ad-man)! We’ll be screening Nick Kelly’s movie, Shoe, which, if you’ve been alive this past week, you’ll already know has been shortlisted for an Oscar, bringing Chaos Thaoghaire to a grand total of two brushes near Academy Award glory. If you won’t let us on the red carpet, we’ll just bring our own!

Not only can you look forward to free fluids at tonight’s Budget Day Special in The Grand Social. Not only can you be guaranteed not to go dry at Chaos Thaoghaire the way you will if you stay in your sad little hovel in Dublin City, we’re also besting the government, who are right now, as I write this (crying) fleecing you, your children, and every generation from this one until the day the rich people all go live on the moon, by offering you free cheese. That’s right, not only are you going to drink my tears, you are almost certainly guarantee some cheese that is actually edible, thanks to our friends at Sheridans Cheesemongers, who have kindly offered to frontload some of the cost of some proper Irish cheese. None of this dairy equivalent of lips and ears muck. Like if cheese were sausages, this shit would be Superquinn or some kind of organic sage bullshit from your local fancy butcher that isn’t even open on a Sunday.

Are you ready? Don’t forget, if your team comes dressed as rich people or otherwise wearing symbols of wealth, we will frontload five euro of the door price. That’s right, you’ll get in for the Jackie Healy Rate of twenty-five euro for a table of four, instead of thirty. That’s amazing!

Posted by Jane.