Free Cheese and an Oscar Shortlist

We like to win. We want to win so badly that we don’t even care what we win at. While you’re busy trying to explain that not everything is a competition, we’re quietly making a score sheet and adjusting the results to show why you’re wrong and how we just won the game you didn’t know you were playing.

We want to win so badly that we’ve been wreaking destruction on the motorways. On the airports. On your knees, your elbows, your social plans, and we are all over the covers of your newspapers.

Newspaper headline. Chaos! Tailbacks! Deaths! A picture of an icy landscape where no one has bothered to shovel!

Chaosettes: 1, Mother Nature: 0 (With thanks to Jen Keogh for the pic)

And I so desperately crave the validation that victory provides, no matter what it is, that I’ve given up sweets for like a month as part of a bet. An earth-month. Holy shit. Nights are long and shivery. I’m hallucinating. Cold sweats. Wailing. Gnashing. I’m like a marooned sailor, only with candy, and instead of dying of thirst because a lot of these paradise-looking islands actually have no fresh water sources and coconut water just won’t do, I have to pay two euro into a kitty when I accidentally lift a ham-load of treats into my puckered, gaping, dribbly mouth.

But I will win. So far it has cost me zero, not because I have anything like willpower, but because of my pathetic desire to win at anything, at any cost. So far I am like St Anthony in the desert and no boobs can move me. The boobs are a metaphor. For sweets. Sweet mood-improvers. Delicious, non-argumentative replacers of romantic love who can’t dump me, even if it is only due to a lack of agency. Whatever. Take your technicality away from my face.

But I can do this.

Speaking of winning, most important this morning is our excited and breathy congratulations for two-time Chaos storyteller, Nick Kelly, because we learned this week that he’s been shortlisted for an Oscar for his IFB-funded short, shoe. And because everything is a competition, that means that last year’s Christmas Chaos: Family is a Form of Psychological Torture is in the lead, with not one, but two (with Kathleen O’Rourke) Oscar-shortlisted storytellers. What gives, other storytellers? Everything’s a competition!

And because everything is a competition, our winners on Tuesday will be the recipients of a wheel of free cheese from our very best friends at Sheridans Cheesemongers, even though I kind of think there should be an apostrophe somewhere in their name and I only forgive them because I kind of am insulting of their intelligence with the number of free samples I eat. Like I really need to taste that Gubbeen again. Like I’ve never had Camembert and need a second fistload of it because I didn’t really taste it the first time. As if you’re going to believe that someone who has definitely got Cashel Blue permanently under her fingernails has never even heard of Durrus and probably would like to try all of your kinds. No, cheese person, I don’t think you’re an idiot and I know you’re onto me, but just have some sympathy. And while you’re having your sympathy, I’m wrist-deep in chunks of Comte. No, there isn’t enough for everyone.

Enjoy this festive tune, the only guarantee we can offer you during this time of austerity.

One Response to “Free Cheese and an Oscar Shortlist”

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