Free Cheese! Tonight in the Grand Social!

I’m crying, writing this. I’m crying into whatever empty containers I have around the Chaos Crevasse because we heard a rumour on the internet that residential water is going to be shut off overnight. But that’s okay! Because we have plenty of tears for all of us, and we will offer them for free! More than plenty! Because when we need a reason to cry, we just think of something you did!

We can’t fail.

But here’s the thing. Now that you’re all gonna be renting my new crutches so you can get out during your lunch hour and fill your cup with coppers, now that we’re all (probably, we speculate) going to be paying water charges, and you’re all going to learn how to pay for everything in coupons like The Chaosettes do, we’re all going to have to do a lot more nicking. Sweets. Underpants (apparently among retailers’ most-nicked items). Booze (also regularly nicked). Magazines. Your face. In honour of our need for more nicking, and because yesterday was the patron day of St Nicholas, patron of finance ministers and other street cons, we thought we’d Nick-up our lineup with a couple of the best in town.

So we have Nick McGivney of The Emergency, ad man, all-around brilliant person and superdad telling a story he calls Chasing The Girl. And we also have one of our other favourite Nicks (also an ad-man)! We’ll be screening Nick Kelly’s movie, Shoe, which, if you’ve been alive this past week, you’ll already know has been shortlisted for an Oscar, bringing Chaos Thaoghaire to a grand total of two brushes near Academy Award glory. If you won’t let us on the red carpet, we’ll just bring our own!

Not only can you look forward to free fluids at tonight’s Budget Day Special in The Grand Social. Not only can you be guaranteed not to go dry at Chaos Thaoghaire the way you will if you stay in your sad little hovel in Dublin City, we’re also besting the government, who are right now, as I write this (crying) fleecing you, your children, and every generation from this one until the day the rich people all go live on the moon, by offering you free cheese. That’s right, not only are you going to drink my tears, you are almost certainly guarantee some cheese that is actually edible, thanks to our friends at Sheridans Cheesemongers, who have kindly offered to frontload some of the cost of some proper Irish cheese. None of this dairy equivalent of lips and ears muck. Like if cheese were sausages, this shit would be Superquinn or some kind of organic sage bullshit from your local fancy butcher that isn’t even open on a Sunday.

Are you ready? Don’t forget, if your team comes dressed as rich people or otherwise wearing symbols of wealth, we will frontload five euro of the door price. That’s right, you’ll get in for the Jackie Healy Rate of twenty-five euro for a table of four, instead of thirty. That’s amazing!

One Response to “Free Cheese! Tonight in the Grand Social!”

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